The Christmas TV Strategy Guide 2024 #05

More Aardman joy here, with their first and arguably best feature length film. A genius retelling of World War II prisoner of war movies only with chickens, it remains a joy to watch, especially to start off your Christmas Eve

Spielberg wasn’t messing about in the 70s was he? Jaws then this? That’s pretty good. We’ll ignore 1941 for now. This is remains one of his best, a tale of obsession and hope and saying hello to aliens with the power of music. Thinking about it, should it have been a musical? No, thats a daft idea, anyways; aliens, a missing father and great effects, all the things Spielberg loves!

You got to watch this on Christmas Eve, right? C’mon, you just have to. Seeing old Bing in his costume belting out White Christmas, even though the song didn’t come from here it came from Holiday Inn but this is probably where it is most remembered. Get it watched!

The fact that its been over a decade, 13 years in fact, and we’ve not had a sequel to Tintin is an actual crime. Its just wrong given how good the first film is, I’d argue its the only truely successful film out of the motion capture trend of the time. Its so good! The rest of the films here are good as well; Jack Black’s best family film, one of the great romantic comedy adventure films and a Michael Bay film that isn’t Transformers. I know, Bay is an acquired taste but so much of the quality here comes from Gyllenhaal leaning right into the Bay Vibe like an absolute hero. He's so good!

Another film you’re legally obliged to watch at Christmas, despite it covering suicide and bank fraud. Obviously its not juuuuust about that, its about an angel getting his wings and friendship and hope and all those good things. And the War, the War is in there as well!

So we have to flag Spartacus just because, again, its another film that companies are legally obliged to schedule during holiday periods because every one loves Kirk Douglas running around battering folks with a sword. Does he batter folks with a sword in this? He must do. And then if you thought that we didn’t need a remake of Clash of The Titans then oh boy did we not need a sequel. But we got one! Oh yes we did! And then for your Daily Eastwood we get the best of the Dirty Harry films with, well, Dirty Harry. Its a banger just based on his knitwear and jacket combo, the man is a fashion icon

The music in Doctor Who, when its good, is like really good. And having the music blasted out by a big old band giving it the full whack? Oh yes please. Would have loved to have got tickets for this but, good lord, lots of other people also wanted tickets all at the same time. So, this should good but if they don’t play The Shepherd’s Boy then I’ll be rioting

Faultless scheduling here from Channel 4, it may be somewhat route one but when you have stuff like this in your back pocket why wouldn’t you? Three Christmas animations then Home Alone? I mean, what else do you need on Christmas Eve, like this is the gold standard right?

Back to back Eastwood, with his two comedy capers that combine the world of ape care, street fighting and motorcycle gangs. Who knew that was the recipe for comedy success? Then you get back to back Stallone, from both ends of his spectrum; Lock Up is one from the bottom of his list, not a great prison film but one with a good bad guy turn from Donald Sutherland. And then you get one of his absolute bangers with Cliffhanger which rhymes with banger which just shows how much of a banger it is.

A new Ghostbusters film hot on the heels after the 2016 stab at it did seem a bit like an overcorrection. The whole misogynistic feedback from some areas to that film was way over the top (see also The Last Jedi) so the next film totally dispensing with all that and being all “its just like the old one!” felt a little distasteful. But, that aside, this is a fun film that goes go a fair way to capturing the vibe of the original. It mostly handles the death of Harold Ramis in a good way, maybe overstepping the mark at the end but in the moment when I saw it in the cinema it did proper get me. So, in conclusion; its a good film!

Listen, I don’t think Jupiter Ascending is that bad. Sure its daft, but its supposed to be a big daft sci-fi fantasy film. Thats the kind of stuff you want! I’d certainly take this ahead of the Zack Snyder Rebel Moon stuff. And then you get one of the quippiest films this side of Tango and Cash in the shape of Hobbs & Shaw. Its just as daft as Jupiter in its own way and twice as dumb

More faultless work from Channel 4 here, well 4Seven, with 2 of the very best Christmas films back to back, Scrooged deserves way more that the 3 stars above, well 2 stars more really. And then Die Hard! We all know its not Christmas until Hans hits the floor of Nakatomi Plaza so this is the best way to see in Christmas Night

You’d have thought that the Father Ted Christmas special would be here, but nope that was earlier in the week before the Strategy Guide started. Instead, have the entirety of the second series. The whole thing. No clue why they aren’t in the right order but there you go

Some more classic goodness here; Porridge remains a really good sitcom, and the Christmas Specials are always really good. After this you get the flip side of Ronnie Barker; Porridge shows his acting chops whereas with The Two Ronnies its all about the comedy sketches. Yeah, its a compilation but that should hopefully mean its all killer no filler. And then another festive special, this time one from Yes, Minister. Not sure how the political references will land these days but the acting and writing is so sharp that it should all still work

In the run of Dad Action Films that Harrison Ford did throughout the 90s the best is The Fugitive. But the second best is probably Air Force One, pitting Ford against Gary Oldman’s terrorist baddie on the titular plane. Its a big dumb action film and well worth a watch. The tone shifts somewhat with the next film, the english language debut of Denis Villeneuve. Its not a big sci fi based film which is where he really made his name, its much more of a thriller with Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal running around trying to solve crimes. Its still good though!

A banger of a film, slightly marred these days thanks to the presence of Kevin Spacey in the cast list. Putting that to one side, this is a great crime film, still the best adaptation of a James Ellroy novel and one of the best films of the 90s. It really is that good!

Who’d have thought that a TV show following Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse as they go fishing would be such a life affirming joy to watch? Not me, thats for sure. And have another ghost story, no one needs sleep anyways

Everybody loves some Johnny Cash, so here’s one of his live shows. You’re not going to get any of the American Recordings as this is way before that but the songs here should be more than enough for you to enjoy

The ITV adaptions of Poirot still remain the best take on the character, thanks to David Suchet’s performance as the title character. So when they take on one of the big stories of the Poirot canon with Murder on the Orient Express then it’ll be a good one. This was from later in the run, when the show had made the transition from being an episodic series to more of an event TV show that would drop 1 maybe 2 episodes a year. This meant that the budget had gone up a notch so it really lets the performances shine. The only negative is that you lose that iconic title sequence, which is a crying shame