The Christmas TV Strategy Guide 2024 #07

Ah, Boxing Day; the time for food comas, eating too many sweets and trying to figure out what to do with all the extra stuff in your house. A good time to watch Inside Out and remember that tidying up is for the day after, not today. And then the third How to Train Your Dragon film which is alright but will still probably end up miles better than the upcoming live action version of the first film. I mean, why? Whats the point of those films?

A huge run of decent family fare here, with the highlight obviously being Matilda, the one from Danny DeVito. Its a great version of the Dahl story, one that isn’t afraid to keep the sharp edges that the original stories had. Narnia is pretty good as well, those films had an uphill struggle given that they were always up against the Harry Potter films and, lets be honest, never stood a chance. As popular as the Narnia books where they never really had the cultural impact of Potter and just got bulldozed by them. They’re still good fantasy adventure films though!

A double bill now of 2 of Bogart’s best films from the classic Hollywood period; both full of moody lighting, melodrama and sumptuous black and white visuals. Give them a go!

One of the great fantasy films of the 80s, utilising the power of muppets and David Bowie’s luscious mullet. Looking back its a bit too tonally all over the place to really capture the wider audience like they intended, with some of the off kilter visuals clashing with the songs in a way that brings you out of the story. You can’t deny though the sheer effort and craftsmanship on display in every frame, it looks amazing

Oh yeah! A true 80s classic (it is) in a great looking (yes it is) and fun (no, it is) adventure romp through time. Biggles! Evil scientists! Time travel! And an absolute banger on the soundtrack, what more could you ask for? Well, a more coherent story, a slightly better cast and several million more dollars in the budget but come on, what they made is brilliant! No, it is! It is!

Here’s another War Time Double Bill from hugely different ends of the spectrum of British war time heroism; on one hand you have the stalwart members of the Walmington-On-Sea home guard up against invading Nazis, and then a retelling of a battle fought by the British army during the Zulu Wars. Yes, both deal with the art of war but in vastly different ways. And speaking of Nazis, here’s Indy riding up on his horse to punch a few of them right in the face!

Absolute Western Royalty right here; a remake of Seven Samurai exchanging the wild grasslands of Japan for the wide vistas of the Wild West with a score just as epic. Its a classic for a reason!

More 80s nostalgia for those of you out there who probably watched this when you were a kid. By 1987 The Two Ronnies was probably at the point where ending it was a kindness, it was far past the highs of the late 70s and early 80s. This one though, on boy, this one stuck with me for a while thanks to the Pinocchio sketch with Ronnie Corbett going around as the titular Pinocchio killing people with his lazer eyes. Its messed up! Barker retired after this but it must be good for him to know that he went out freaking out a generation of kids.

Another classy ITV4 double bill smashing together historical drama and a (lets be honest) fairly lazy action film sequel. I mean, it is; the magic may be back but the villains aren’t quite as good but the charm of the two leads is just about enough to keep Lethal Weapon ticking over for a bit longer

Wow, hitting up two type of nostalgia flavours here; 1980s musical cheese and late 60s TV goodness. There’s certainly some names in that list for Top of the Pops, although the fact that is mentions Spitting Image makes me think its going to have the Birdie Song in it so, you know, caveat emptor and all that. And then more Morecambe and Wise from 1969, which is the first of the specials on the BBC. As such, it hasn’t got the legacy that some of the later ones do; we have Ernie Braben writing so we get stuff with the two of them sharing a flat which is always a hoot and one properly dumb (in the best way) sketch with a giant ventriloquist dummy. It was the years after this we’d get the properly iconic moments, when it became much more of a thing with each passing year. As it stands here, its just a really good variety show but you can’t really argue with that really

Haven’t we had this before? Yep, but that was the ITV version, here’s the latest retelling from Kenneth Branagh doubling up as director and as Poirot himself. Its a good re-telling of that story, despite Branagh faffing around with the character a bit. I mean, that moustache is a belter but his take on the character is a bit self indulgent. Still, the story itself is rock solid and the rest of the cast is a treat so still worth your time

Another of the crown jewels in the Western genre; if earlier’s Magnificent Seven is telling of the myth of the Wild West, then Unforgiven is about whats behind that myth. Having Eastwood as the lead is fantastic as his presence invokes all the tropes of the Spaghetti Westerns and The Man With No Name and digs under the skin of that character. A belter

“On my command, unleash Hell!” Yes mate, thats the stuff. A proper swords and sandals epic with treachery and Romans and swords and its so good. The tales of the making of the film make it sound like chaos thanks to a barely written script, but what they wrung out of it was amazing. Clearly superior to the recent sequel, that goes without saying. And then as a palate cleanser a load of filmed Monty Python sketches, which is a bit weird; the sketches are still funny but seeing them without a live audience is a bit jarring. They’re so defined by the TV versions that seeing staged takes of them feels off, which is probably why the film isn’t the big success it was intended to be. Still, comedy gold in here so you’ll still get some mileage out of it

There can only be one! And there should have been only one but we’ll deal with that if the sequel pops up. What we have here is pure 80s craziness, with a music video director unleashed onto cinema. Just to prove the craziness we have a Frenchman cast as a Scotsman and a Scotsman cast as a Spaniard. Its just nuts! Then if you really want to you can follow it up with some more sword based fantasy, although this is one based in ancient times rather than New York. Its one for Conan completists only if we’re honest, if even Arnie has in this film as a legally distinct Barbarian who isn’t Conan at all, honest.

I remember Dave Allen had a show on ITV (which had a banging theme tune) which introduced me to his comedy; his work goes back to the 60s on various TV shows with his observational style of comedy a precursor to that type of comedy that rose to prominence in the 70s and 80s. He’s just a funny guy so this show should be worth revisiting; its more of a sketch show interspersed with his stand up so you might need to take the rough with the smooth depending on how that material has aged. And then a Lenny Henry Christmas special! This is probably just around the height of his stand up career; 2 years later we’d the Live and Unleashed concert film and then he’d move into more serious acting. But here he’s full comedy, and with Terence Trent D’Arby on the guest list? Should be a belter

I know the Guide is for live TV so we don’t really deal with streaming apps and what now, but seeing this reminded me that there’s a surprising of good Hong Kong cinema on NowTV. This is one of them, one of the early Bruce Lee films which is well worth watching at this time of night through a slightly addled food and drink coma. It says ‘Cantonese dubbed’ but not sure if that means its in Cantonese so would have subtitles or if it is a dub so guess we’ll find out one way or another. But on the app you’ll find stuff like Project A and Police Story, even stuff like Mr Vampire and Zu Warriors from the Magic Mountain. Its honestly really good, not the deepest of cuts but still more than you’d expect

A classic early 90s action bromance film with Keanu Reeves doing undercover to catch bad surfer guys led by Patrick Swayze. Its as homoerotic as it can get away with and all the better for it

A classic UK crime thriller, with Bob Hoskins in the lead, mixing in all the good stuff of the time like the IRA and Thatcherism. What really cements it as a classic in the ending, which is carried off pretty much in silence just with Bob Hoskins’ face. Well, I say silence, it has got a pretty banging soundtrack over the top. Still, a belter!