The Christmas TV Strategy Guide 2022 #06

Is there a better way to start Christmas Eve than this? One of the purest Christmas Films that ever did project its way onto that legendary silver screen? Well, yeah; personally I’d suggest finding whatever cinema you can find near you thats showing Violent Night but its early in the day so you may as well fill up on some schmaltz nice and early

More Christmas Eve treats for the TV buffet! Alright, yeah, Planes is probably more of a Thanksgiving film than a Christmas film and yes there is a difference but its still one to watch. Maybe it could have done with a bit of the sentimentality squeezed out but you can’t have everything. The secret reason to watch it will be to see what they do with the car rental scene when its showing at lunchtime. Cut it all out? Old school style terrible word replacement? Place your bets!

Two more Christmas films for you! Arthur Christmas we can charitably describe as being the better of Aardman Animation’s CG film. Is it great? No, but it gives good Christmas. Which is also a good description for the bonkers Santa Clause The Movie; birthed from the wreckage of Superman III and Supergirl, its a film that shouldn’t exist as they should have gone with the original choice for director, John Carpenter. Honestly, just imagine how good that film would have been!

A big old David Lean double bill here, full of amazing performances with an extra bucket of epic cinematography for you on the side. Not sure why they’ve got them the wrong way around but never mind. Settle in the for long haul or pick your flavour; a widescreen epic with plenty of homoerotic undertones, or a distillation of English obsession whilst building a big old bridge

Its route one stuff here from Channel 4, one might even say lazy, but you can’t argue with the results here; its Christmas classic after Christmas classic from lunch till tea time. If you’re having people round its probably your best bet if you want something on in the background

More classic cinema, here you have the best of Hitchcock’s big budget fare from the 1950s. Is it the best? Yeah, it probably is, especially for Christmas Eve afternoon. Some truely iconic scenes, the most laid back Cary Grant performance and a top drawer score. I’ll have this with a full plate from the Christmas buffet, thank you

Sonic The Hedgehog seems to have taken the crown of Best Video Game Film (which wasn’t exactly a tough contest) and got a sequel whilst everyone seems to have forgotten about this film. Detective Pikachu is just as good as the first Sonic despite some of the Pokemon designs not quite being able to make the leap to live action. Its probably the central pairing of Justice Smith and a Ryan Reynold’s voiced Pikachu not quite working as well Sonic and James Marsden that trips the film up, but its still a fun time

A lesson in sequels here; Addams Family Values showing how you make a sequel to a really good film, which is mainly getting the same people back and letting them do their thing. Then Bumblebee showing how you make chicken salad out of chicken shit, said poultry excrement being the Michael Bay live action Transformers films. Arguably, they did a lot of the work by casting John Cena but thats a conversation for when F9 pops up on one of these

More back to back to back classics here, each one a different flavour; a definitive British WWII film, the original loose canon cop film and what remains arguably the best modern western. Although, for 1992 can it still be classed as modern? Just typing that has made me feel vaguely sick. God I’m old.

Some more classic TV fare from the BBC; the studio recordings are quite interesting, a nice little sneak behind the unedited curtain. There’s nothing crazily eye opening but its fun to see the camera crew and that getting ready to film something that would end up in front of millions of people. And a 1986 Christmas Special? With Val Doonican? No clue who it’s for but I’m sure it’ll go well with some Quality Streets

More Christmas Specials! The middle two are probably the most interesting, forming a delicious Christmas TV sandwich with the older shows being the bread. But like, real nice bread. The Fast Show is one I’ve got my eye on, the specials generally played around with the format of the sketches so for someone coming to it new the jokes may not land but it’ll hopefully still be as good as I remember that show being. Remember that? When sketch shows rules the world? Halcyon days.

More route one stuff here from Channel 4; take the Bake Off then add Christmas, a simple recipe that’ll suck in rubes like myself who’ll lap it all up and ask for more.

Is there a better way to end Christmas Eve than by watching Rambo runaround with the Mujahideen blowing up Russian tanks invading Afghanistan? Probably not.

Something to leave on for Santa for when he’s leaving the presents; its aged very badly in places but, good Lord, when it lands (pun intended) its still some of the best comedy ever put on film.