The Christmas TV Strategy Guide 2022 #07

There’s little chance you’ll be catching these; you’ll either be sleeping in or up early with the kids tearing through wrapping paper. But if you do, you’ll get 2 good family films. The first being some kind of weird Holiday Character version of The Avengers and then Kung Fu Panda 2 which isn’t Christmasy but is really good. I’d say it was this and How To Train Your Dragon 2 that first got people talking about how good DreamWorks animated films were, rather than how annoying Shrek’s accent was

Here’s some proper Christmas treats to settle into after all the presents are opened and the lunch is cooking; not quite sure why they’ve put them out of sequence but these three Wallace & Gromit shorts are probably the best runouts for these characters, with Trousers and Shave tied for first. I mean, the stuff with all the sheep is brilliant but the reveal of Feathers McGraw is one of the greatest moments in television history. Oh, and then Bing Crosby sings that song yet again

Arnie was, undoubtedly, the king of 80s cinema thanks to his over the top violent man punching action fests. But he also knew that he needed to branch out a bit to widen his appeal. So thats why you had Twins where he first properly flexed his comedy muscles. And then in 1990 you had Arnie stabbing people’s heads with metal spikes in Total Recall and then in this film you have him looking after and bonding with a load of school kids. Yes, it starts with Arnie in a trench coat as a loose canon cop but it soon shifts to family frolics. And both made serious bank and it sure seemed like Arnie would be the biggest movie star of the 90s as well. OR WOULD HE?

Oh boy, this is on every Bank Holiday amirite? I mean, it probably isn’t but still, thats the reputation of the film. Of course the secret here is that its on every Bank Holiday because it is a really good film, a prisoner of war caper film with Steve McQueen seemingly air dropped into it from a whole other era. I mean, it doesn’t stand as out something like Donald Sutherland as an outright hippy in Kelly’s Heroes, but his escape disguise of “american male” says a lot

Nice little triple bill; we start with Arnie with another go at making a family film, this time a Christmas comedy. Its one of the last films of Arnie’s Golden Age, or at least in the transition between said Golden Era and the lean years. After that we have what should have been the start of a franchise, a cracking kids adventure film that did criminally poorly at the box office. Honestly, its a great film so watch it. And then, if you fancy, there’s Grease. Not saying you have to watch it, but its there, I’ve let you know about it, you’re welcome.

Two stone cold classics right here, both vehicles for Marilyn Monroe, one dripping with 1950s glorious technicolour, the other as finely tuned as comedies get with one of the most famous endings in cinema. There’s an afternoon for you

Catch me on the right day and I’d probably say that I prefer this film to the first one. I mean, the line is a little thin as despite being a sequel its pretty much a remake of the first film. And even if you do prefer the first film, this is still vastly superior to the films that followed it. Home Sweet Home Alone has a decent swing at it but makes some dumb decisions that really chop it off at the knees. Yep, much better to stick to the originals with these films

Here’s a question; is Jumanji Robin Williams’ best film? I mean, its certainly in the conversation. You’d have to exclude ‘proper’ films like One Hour Photo and that but of his mainstream fare this is very much up there. The effects might be showing their age but the rest of the film still works. And to follow up theres a proper Old Dad Double Bill, starring two craggy faced men running about shouting at people. I think Tommy Lee Jones takes the trophy for Most Craggiest, but Ford edges him in the Best Jumping Away From An Explosion category

Another version of A Christmas Carol for you and, yes, its not as good as the Muppets version but very few films are as good as that one. Still, this is a great version that you may as well get watched on Christmas Day

When it comes to the Morecambe and Wise Christmas shows, the ‘71 edition is probably the definitive one although with everything being chopped up and shown in innumerable compilation shows its sometimes hard to remember what was shown when. Still, these Specials remain a warm blanket of a show even after all this time, so snuggle up with this one

Ghosts is easily one of the best sitcoms of the last few years, despite the lack of songs (knowing nod to the Horrible Histories fans out there) so any excuse to dip into the show is a welcome one.

A true present for the Tina Turner fans out there, a whole evening of shows dedicated to the Queen of Rock and Roll. They probably won’t show that sketch from Limmy’s Show of the dancing Tina Turner impersonators, but you never know

So throughout the day we’ve had Arnie woven through it, showing his various attempts to widen his fan base from the usual action fans to mainstream fans. And we end this day with this film, an example of when he tried to combine the two; a big daft parody of action films that is sometimes borderline genius before going totally down the toiilet. The problem is that, production and script issues to one side, it came out the same year as Hot Shots! Part Deux which hit a lot of the same action parody beats as this films and did a lot of them better. Arguably it peaks with the trailers at the beginning, although the scenes in the real world are a hoot as well. Regardless, this was a big misstep for Arnie and (to complete the callback) showed that times had changed he wasn’t going to be the king of the mountain anymore. A deeply strange film that falls down between two stools so hard that is explodes like a bad guys car.